Where Are We From
Listening to this song. It's an instrumental track by some group/people called Enigma. Yea it's new age music, it's interesting, so get over it. The strings in it are beautiful and the sound you can hear behind the music is creepy in an alluring way. Like I am in some kind of trance, and the music may repeat itself for a few measures but always adds a new sound or voice in the background.
Anyway, I went to talk with "the actor" last night, and it was going to be dramatic I already knew. Well, putting aside the fact that he was getting ready to go out of town and all...we mainly got in the car and didn't even talk for the longest. It was crazy. He always has something to say and I wasn't saying much of anything. Because we had the whole conversation before. So I always figure we are going to go nowhere with it. Yet we still have it.
He started listing the ideas I had and why I was in the wrong for having this list of problems with him, I guess. I mean honestly, we come from different areas in life, and they do not have the same issues. He is from the struggle, the shadows, the place where you have to fight to stay alive. I am for the most part from privilege and and area where deciding what to wear is the hardest task of the day. I am not superficial at all. I am simply saying we are from different worlds and that when we speak about our issues, they will never compare because we are from different worlds. This is only one of our issues.
As we continued on with the conversation I began to tear up and started looking away. So hurt and confused I was unable to talk for the longest. He did most of the talking and asking questions. Then suddenly I shook myself and started talking to him. Listing my frustration with his confusion of what he wants with me. He never said anything. In between tears I kept talking to him and wondered if anything I was saying was even affecting him. Just as I said that to myself and then out loud to him. I went to touch him and he pulled away and said, "DON'T". I was shocked. Shocked because, because he didn't want me to touch him. So we sat there for a little while more. I kept trying to talk to him, get him to respond.
He finally said, "I DON'T CRY WHEN NIGGAS DIE. I DON'T EVEN CRY IN FRONT OF MY MOM". It hit me then. It made me realize how much a struggle he was going through. I didn't know what to say tho. I sat there and slowly reached for his hand. He didn't pull away from me this time. I looked into his eyes and we just looked at each other. Another tear fell and I caught it this time. Wiped it off his face. Another tear fell, then another. We just looked at each other, holding each other, crying in front of each other. I came out and said, "I can try to TRY and understand what you are going through, but I will NEVER really understand it is that YOU are going through. However, I can try. I can try, and try. and try. But there will come a day when I am tired of trying." He sat there and silently let the tears fall from his face without touching them. I grabbed his face pulled it close and said,"but that day is not today". I begged him to tell me what he was thinking and he said after awhile of just starring at me, "that day is going to suck" and to that I responded, "well, like I said that day is not today" and we kissed. I felt a little better. I didn't want to leave him with the feelings I had. The anger, the confusion, the pain. So we just kissed and kept kissing. When it was time for him to catch his flight, he couldn't get out of the car. Kept coming back to give me a kiss.
I don't know what is happening with us. I don't know why it's happening this way. But, I know I care about him, a lot. I care about him enough to try, and wait and devote time and energy into whatever it is we are doing. And I know I might get hurt. But if I risk nothing I'll never gain everything.
He started listing the ideas I had and why I was in the wrong for having this list of problems with him, I guess. I mean honestly, we come from different areas in life, and they do not have the same issues. He is from the struggle, the shadows, the place where you have to fight to stay alive. I am for the most part from privilege and and area where deciding what to wear is the hardest task of the day. I am not superficial at all. I am simply saying we are from different worlds and that when we speak about our issues, they will never compare because we are from different worlds. This is only one of our issues.
As we continued on with the conversation I began to tear up and started looking away. So hurt and confused I was unable to talk for the longest. He did most of the talking and asking questions. Then suddenly I shook myself and started talking to him. Listing my frustration with his confusion of what he wants with me. He never said anything. In between tears I kept talking to him and wondered if anything I was saying was even affecting him. Just as I said that to myself and then out loud to him. I went to touch him and he pulled away and said, "DON'T". I was shocked. Shocked because, because he didn't want me to touch him. So we sat there for a little while more. I kept trying to talk to him, get him to respond.
He finally said, "I DON'T CRY WHEN NIGGAS DIE. I DON'T EVEN CRY IN FRONT OF MY MOM". It hit me then. It made me realize how much a struggle he was going through. I didn't know what to say tho. I sat there and slowly reached for his hand. He didn't pull away from me this time. I looked into his eyes and we just looked at each other. Another tear fell and I caught it this time. Wiped it off his face. Another tear fell, then another. We just looked at each other, holding each other, crying in front of each other. I came out and said, "I can try to TRY and understand what you are going through, but I will NEVER really understand it is that YOU are going through. However, I can try. I can try, and try. and try. But there will come a day when I am tired of trying." He sat there and silently let the tears fall from his face without touching them. I grabbed his face pulled it close and said,"but that day is not today". I begged him to tell me what he was thinking and he said after awhile of just starring at me, "that day is going to suck" and to that I responded, "well, like I said that day is not today" and we kissed. I felt a little better. I didn't want to leave him with the feelings I had. The anger, the confusion, the pain. So we just kissed and kept kissing. When it was time for him to catch his flight, he couldn't get out of the car. Kept coming back to give me a kiss.
I don't know what is happening with us. I don't know why it's happening this way. But, I know I care about him, a lot. I care about him enough to try, and wait and devote time and energy into whatever it is we are doing. And I know I might get hurt. But if I risk nothing I'll never gain everything.
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