Read about Me
My mom has told me she used to ask “little me” what I wanted to be when I grow up. When I was around 3, the answer was, “to be an ice skater”(that was during the time of Kristi Yamaguchi). She said when she checked in again, a few months later, I said “a princess”. When my mom told me you can’t be a princess when you grow up, because it’s not a job, I apparently replied, “Well, if I can’t be a princess a ballerina will do. They are just as beautiful.” It was then that she decided to enroll me into Contra Costa Ballet Center, and my dancing career began.
You know, I didn’t like ballet very much at first. We constantly had to listen to this boring music with no one singing, keep straight faces, suck in our belly’s, and were not allowed to socialize. All of those things were hard for me, and well for many other little girls, because we were all LITTLE. We wanted to have fun and skip and laugh. Sometimes, if we were good, we were allowed to skip, but mostly ballet and fun didn’t go hand and foot, well not until I got older anyway.
About ten years went by, and ballet grew on me. Each year I thought I was getting closer and closer to being able to be the beautiful prima ballerina on pointe that wowed the audience. I couldn’t have been more wrong. As I grew up, so did my body. It changed and got bigger in places I didn’t even know I had. Many of the girls tried to make fun of me and called me names, but I didn’t get it, didn’t understand I was “fat”. I loved my body, because my mom and family told me too. It wasn’t until I was involved in our annual production of The Nutcracker that I began to realize that I was different.
Everyone in my class was cast as a certain part in The Nutcracker every year. First it was a Chinese lantern, and then it was a soldier, then a doll or a flower. Each year I was a horse. Why? Because that was the only costume that fit me, and big floppy horse with the center cut out for the dancer to stand in. It took me up until the third year for me to realize what was happening. My teacher and costumer told me at first I was more advanced and so I would play a role that normally an older girl would play. Then they went on to tell me I got the role again because I was so good at it last year. Eventually, I was the big joke. The fat girl thinking she could be a ballerina, and I couldn’t take much more of it.
The breaking point had to be when my teacher told me to lose a certain amount of weight, or don’t bother coming back. She said it in front of a whole dressing room full of girls, and I was humiliated. I had tried telling my mom what ballet was like, how I had come to love it and how it had come to hate me. She never believed me, telling me I overreact and that it really wasn’t that bad. When my teacher gave me the ultimatum, I told my mom I wanted to focus on sports instead of dancing, so after about 13 years I quit, to do sports because in sports, my size was fine.
I had started soccer a few years after ballet and loved it. I could be aggressive and bossy and big, and that made me happy. When I was in seventh grade I joined an after school basketball program and fell in love with it as well. Still, late at night I would turn up my music and groove in my room with the door shut. Music empowered me, it pumped me up for games (soccer or basketball) and made me think of things, get ideas as to what kind of dance I might do with certain music (You could say I began choreographing at a young age). High school started and that meant I had to choose between sports.
Basketball had always been my favorite, as soon as I started playing it, so I began my freshman year a captain on the junior varsity team. I would do pretty well, and loved the adrenaline rush when I was on the court. However, when I was off of it, I would watch the cheerleaders to see what kind of moves they were going to do. At half time, I always made sure I watched their dance, to see if they did something interesting. I was never really that impressed and always told myself I could do better, I could help them. It wasn’t until some of my friends were captains on the varsity squad that I was able to through that option in the air.
I would study music videos and learn every single move and gesture and make some interesting combination for the cheerleaders to use. Sometimes they would do it at games, other times they would just practice them during their rehearsal time. But I was always coming up with new material. I began to learn dances so quickly from music videos, that I only needed to watch it once, and I would get most of the movement. At school dances and parties I tried to show off my moves as much as I could (and still practiced in my room every night). Then high school ended and I was confused where I wanted to go and what I wanted to do with my life.
After I graduated, I decided to live at home and go to the community college in Pleasant Hill, CA called Diablo Valley College (DVC). For the first year, I just did general education requirements for any college student, still asking myself what I wanted to do with myself and my life. In the spring of my first year I signed up to take an acting class. I had been in a few shows in middle school and took acting for 3 years in high school so I figured I would try to pick it up again, and I fell in love. I had only taken one class and I auditioned for the next play. I got cast (as an extra, but still I GOT CAST). I was so excited and nervous and couldn’t wait to be on stage more and more. For two years all I took was acting classes, some general education and got cast in show after show. I loved being on stage, but something was missing.
I knew I had lost some of my muscle tone by not continuing with basketball, so one summer I figured I would take a dance class to keep me in shape. That dance class was ballet. I was so scared and nervous about my teacher not liking me because I was fat and not liking me because I was out of shape. I couldn’t have been more wrong. My teacher loved me and told me I should try another style of dance because I move beautifully. So I did, halfway through the semester I signed up for a jazz class, and that teacher told me the same thing. I didn’t understand it. Why were they so nice and why did they say the same things? I thought maybe it was something about those two teachers, so I took class after class with a different teacher, waiting for one of them to bring me back to reality. That never happened. In fact, one of my teachers invited me to dance with her company outside of school.
I was so shocked I didn’t even know what was going on. I kept asking myself, “Am I a dancer?” Because I always thought I never looked like one. But I loved it, every style, it all interested me and I was so excited every time I went to class. I got involved in every dance show there was available at school and also with my teacher’s company. I was dancing 24/7 and I loved it. My body began to slim down, but still no one ever said anything about how I looked, they all just talked about what an amazing performer I was. I couldn’t believe it; the more people began to tell me, the more I would believe I can be a dancer. So I decided to make that my major.
I transferred to Cal State East Bay in 2008 and slowly began getting involved in shows at that campus. When I left my old school, I also left the company I had been dancing with for 2 years, because it wasn’t what I wanted to be a part of, and I just wanted to focus on school. When it came to my senior year, a senior project was required and specifically a choreographed dance was required since I was a dance major. I had been working for about 6 months on a part of it that I took to Utah to perform at the American College Dance Festival, and my piece out of about 50 pieces was chosen to be in the top ten. I was so shocked and baffled that MY piece had caught the eye of the judges, and audience members. The things that the judges said about my piece will never, ever leave my head, which was the best moment of my life until now.
I always told myself “having your own company would give you so much creative freedom”. So I made a promise to myself that after I graduated I would start my own dance company, because I have so many ideas that I want to explore. So, that is exactly what I did. I gathered a few of my favorite dancers, and began working them and looking for shows to be a part of. Who would have known, that not only am I now a dancer, but I am a dancer, choreographer, and amazing performer being curvy and all. I am so lucky to be able to find a path in life that has made me happy, is healthy, and lead me to a dream I didn’t think was possible.
You know, I didn’t like ballet very much at first. We constantly had to listen to this boring music with no one singing, keep straight faces, suck in our belly’s, and were not allowed to socialize. All of those things were hard for me, and well for many other little girls, because we were all LITTLE. We wanted to have fun and skip and laugh. Sometimes, if we were good, we were allowed to skip, but mostly ballet and fun didn’t go hand and foot, well not until I got older anyway.
About ten years went by, and ballet grew on me. Each year I thought I was getting closer and closer to being able to be the beautiful prima ballerina on pointe that wowed the audience. I couldn’t have been more wrong. As I grew up, so did my body. It changed and got bigger in places I didn’t even know I had. Many of the girls tried to make fun of me and called me names, but I didn’t get it, didn’t understand I was “fat”. I loved my body, because my mom and family told me too. It wasn’t until I was involved in our annual production of The Nutcracker that I began to realize that I was different.
Everyone in my class was cast as a certain part in The Nutcracker every year. First it was a Chinese lantern, and then it was a soldier, then a doll or a flower. Each year I was a horse. Why? Because that was the only costume that fit me, and big floppy horse with the center cut out for the dancer to stand in. It took me up until the third year for me to realize what was happening. My teacher and costumer told me at first I was more advanced and so I would play a role that normally an older girl would play. Then they went on to tell me I got the role again because I was so good at it last year. Eventually, I was the big joke. The fat girl thinking she could be a ballerina, and I couldn’t take much more of it.
The breaking point had to be when my teacher told me to lose a certain amount of weight, or don’t bother coming back. She said it in front of a whole dressing room full of girls, and I was humiliated. I had tried telling my mom what ballet was like, how I had come to love it and how it had come to hate me. She never believed me, telling me I overreact and that it really wasn’t that bad. When my teacher gave me the ultimatum, I told my mom I wanted to focus on sports instead of dancing, so after about 13 years I quit, to do sports because in sports, my size was fine.
I had started soccer a few years after ballet and loved it. I could be aggressive and bossy and big, and that made me happy. When I was in seventh grade I joined an after school basketball program and fell in love with it as well. Still, late at night I would turn up my music and groove in my room with the door shut. Music empowered me, it pumped me up for games (soccer or basketball) and made me think of things, get ideas as to what kind of dance I might do with certain music (You could say I began choreographing at a young age). High school started and that meant I had to choose between sports.
Basketball had always been my favorite, as soon as I started playing it, so I began my freshman year a captain on the junior varsity team. I would do pretty well, and loved the adrenaline rush when I was on the court. However, when I was off of it, I would watch the cheerleaders to see what kind of moves they were going to do. At half time, I always made sure I watched their dance, to see if they did something interesting. I was never really that impressed and always told myself I could do better, I could help them. It wasn’t until some of my friends were captains on the varsity squad that I was able to through that option in the air.
I would study music videos and learn every single move and gesture and make some interesting combination for the cheerleaders to use. Sometimes they would do it at games, other times they would just practice them during their rehearsal time. But I was always coming up with new material. I began to learn dances so quickly from music videos, that I only needed to watch it once, and I would get most of the movement. At school dances and parties I tried to show off my moves as much as I could (and still practiced in my room every night). Then high school ended and I was confused where I wanted to go and what I wanted to do with my life.
After I graduated, I decided to live at home and go to the community college in Pleasant Hill, CA called Diablo Valley College (DVC). For the first year, I just did general education requirements for any college student, still asking myself what I wanted to do with myself and my life. In the spring of my first year I signed up to take an acting class. I had been in a few shows in middle school and took acting for 3 years in high school so I figured I would try to pick it up again, and I fell in love. I had only taken one class and I auditioned for the next play. I got cast (as an extra, but still I GOT CAST). I was so excited and nervous and couldn’t wait to be on stage more and more. For two years all I took was acting classes, some general education and got cast in show after show. I loved being on stage, but something was missing.
I knew I had lost some of my muscle tone by not continuing with basketball, so one summer I figured I would take a dance class to keep me in shape. That dance class was ballet. I was so scared and nervous about my teacher not liking me because I was fat and not liking me because I was out of shape. I couldn’t have been more wrong. My teacher loved me and told me I should try another style of dance because I move beautifully. So I did, halfway through the semester I signed up for a jazz class, and that teacher told me the same thing. I didn’t understand it. Why were they so nice and why did they say the same things? I thought maybe it was something about those two teachers, so I took class after class with a different teacher, waiting for one of them to bring me back to reality. That never happened. In fact, one of my teachers invited me to dance with her company outside of school.
I was so shocked I didn’t even know what was going on. I kept asking myself, “Am I a dancer?” Because I always thought I never looked like one. But I loved it, every style, it all interested me and I was so excited every time I went to class. I got involved in every dance show there was available at school and also with my teacher’s company. I was dancing 24/7 and I loved it. My body began to slim down, but still no one ever said anything about how I looked, they all just talked about what an amazing performer I was. I couldn’t believe it; the more people began to tell me, the more I would believe I can be a dancer. So I decided to make that my major.
I transferred to Cal State East Bay in 2008 and slowly began getting involved in shows at that campus. When I left my old school, I also left the company I had been dancing with for 2 years, because it wasn’t what I wanted to be a part of, and I just wanted to focus on school. When it came to my senior year, a senior project was required and specifically a choreographed dance was required since I was a dance major. I had been working for about 6 months on a part of it that I took to Utah to perform at the American College Dance Festival, and my piece out of about 50 pieces was chosen to be in the top ten. I was so shocked and baffled that MY piece had caught the eye of the judges, and audience members. The things that the judges said about my piece will never, ever leave my head, which was the best moment of my life until now.
I always told myself “having your own company would give you so much creative freedom”. So I made a promise to myself that after I graduated I would start my own dance company, because I have so many ideas that I want to explore. So, that is exactly what I did. I gathered a few of my favorite dancers, and began working them and looking for shows to be a part of. Who would have known, that not only am I now a dancer, but I am a dancer, choreographer, and amazing performer being curvy and all. I am so lucky to be able to find a path in life that has made me happy, is healthy, and lead me to a dream I didn’t think was possible.
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